Rocky Balboa 2025

Hollywood is working on a politically correct Rocky movie for the coming generations.  In “Rocky Balboa 2025,” a local club fighter is bullied by the champion of the world, Apollo Creed (an alpha male who actually says what is on his mind!).  Disturbingly, Apollo calls Rocky some very crude names… and yet, it doesn’t stop there!  In the weeks that follow, Rocky’s new red convertible is repeatedly doused with cat urine (allegedly by Creed!) forcing a devastated Rocky to curl up in a fetal position in the parking lot.  Though there is no evidence that Creed committed these acts of vandalism and harassment, he blatantly condemns himself by his own words during a televised denial:  “I ain’t got time to visit Rocky’s rat-infested ghetto!  I’m too busy hanging out with hot chicks and listening to country music down in Alabama.  I got some sweet gals teaching me about Jesus and stuff… pretty cool!”  

Righteous disgust at Creed’s narrow-minded ignorance only swells in the film’s pinnacle moment wherein Apollo mercilessly gives Rocky a wedgie in the gym dressing room... all while telling him to get a job!  Although Apollo tries to pass it off as mere play, he wickedly indicts himself by adding, “Rocky, it’s time for you to stand up and become a real man!”  The vileness of Creed’s intentions become manifest when he hands Rocky a small New Testament while taunting him, “This is the truth that will set you free!"  These barbaric insults do profound injury to Rocky’s self-esteem… causing a tragic spiral into drug addiction, binge eating, and years of therapy.  

But just when all seems lost, the brave teamwork within the media saves the day!   Rocky’s prime-time interview has everything:  rants, villains, deviancy, blame (and lots of it!), flaming effigies of Creed, and tears all around!   Millions of well-programmed fans watch in awe, as Rocky Balboa becomes a national hero for his valiant embrace of victim status… and his breathtaking triumph over toxic masculinity!   Rocky goes on to receive standing ovations on the late-night talk circuit… having his image emblazoned on cereal boxes and public school textbooks… and his trademark expressions become American standards:  “demand safe zones now,” “winning is for losers,” “bad people are bad,” and “Apollo Creed is a racist, homophobic sexist!"

In the closing emotional montage, Apollo Creed is sentenced to life in solitary confinement as the courtroom erupts in mass celebration… hearty laughs… and spontaneous nudity… all magically morphing into a techno-rave dance party!   Adding a spectacular element of “payback is hell,” Rocky secretly puts lice and itching powder in Apollo’s prison undergarments.  As Creed writhes in pain and public humiliation, the musical soundtrack crescendos!  Underscoring this prescient warning for all other “haters," Rocky raises his fist and shouts triumphantly, “I did it for you, Adrian!”  She basks in the euphoria of true love… unaware that Rocky and Ivan Drago are having a secret torrid affair (to be detailed in the beautiful sequel).   

As could only be expected, "Rocky Balboa 2025” is the front-runner of the esteemed Academy to win “Best Film” of the year.

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published